keep calm: it is actually YOU who is racist

This article should be read by only locals, especially blacks of Ugandan origin. <—See how that feels if you are NOT a local or a black of Ugandan origin?

I have failed to get angry at the Shell and Bolton International advert; mostly because The New Vision ‘Class’ article drained a lot of my anger.

But I can’t ignore it, and I am on standby to applaud any newspaper that cares enough to run a serious story about this.

On our part, let’s agree that whereas these Shell and Bolton International guys have officially exhibited both stupidity and racism (thanks @spartakussug, for that one) by way of the below advertisement, we can’t just sit about and either moan or mourn (it’s an inside joke that only Ugandans will get – I warned you about such things in the very first sentence).

But first, the offending advertisement:

10387027_797159977009497_1105633977544654738_o

This is stupidity paid-for and placed in Uganda’s leading news daily

Ah.

Now, my initial thought was that this ad was a forgery or a hoax, because many people are that racist but NOBODY is that stupid. Or perhaps it was some experiment such as the Hornsleth Pig naming one where a chap named Hornsleth got people in Mukono District (can’t recall which country) to officially change their given names to “Hornsleth” in exchange for a free pig.

The idea that it was a joke or a hoax was hardened because of the requirement for the applicants for Administrative Assistant to have a valid work permit; you see, the successful foreigner (Indian, Phillipino, White) applicant can’t have a valid work permit Shell & Bolton Work Permit
if they don’t have a job because work permits in Uganda are issued to organisations, I thought.

I checked at http://www.workvisauganda.com/uganda-work-permit-class-g/ and didn’t find actual evidence of this, but someone else will confirm it soon.

But this suggested to me that Shell and Bolton International is either deceitful or seeking to bend the laws, rules and regulations of Uganda – besides the evidence that they were doing so by being racist.

Perhaps, I reasoned, that demand for a valid work permit is just to prove that you are capable of successfully being granted one, therefore making you worth their time to appoint before helping you apply for your next one…

Okay.

This is where we begin to hope that Uganda’s Directorate of Citizenship and Immigration Control will come into play and rein in Messrs. ‘Shell and Bolton International Ltd.’ for trying to fill simple jobs with foreigners.

But while waiting for them to do so (See much further below for an update on this made on 24th October), I took an interest in the authenticity of the company overall, especially after the recent nonsense over one Eutaw Construction Company of Uganda

…and a simple Google search gave me www.shellandbolton.com.

Now, sit back in a comfortable position before you read on, whether you are a foreigner, white or not:

At the top of the Home Page is the heading, “Head Office For Shell And Bolton International Ltd.”

The use of “for” instead of “of” raised my hackles as well as the use of the word “And” instead of the ampersand (“&”) that they have in the logo that is pictured right above this damn heading.

Those hackles were nothing – I then saw the photograph of said “Head Office For”:

Shell & Bolton Head Office

Do you see what these guys did there? Aren’t you also wondering why the first photograph they have there is of the back view, farthest corner of their so-called “Head Office”? Moreover when the front view is so magnificent as displayed right below the first ka-photograph?

Eh?

Atte, first wait; what is that Shell logo doing there in that top photograph? Is Shell And/& Bolton International Limited in any way linked to Shell the oil and fuel company?

So many questions. So much stupidity. So little time.

Speaking of the Shell logo, what are those other logos there? Are those all the Shell & Bolton 8companies that were mixed up to turn Shell into Shell And/& Bolton? One of them is Altran Group, another is Cygate AB, and a third is Integra Engineering AB.

Do you notice the ‘AB’ in those company names? That means the building in the photograph is most probably in Sweden – as this Wikipedia post explains.

If that is the case, then the Head Office For Shell And/& Bolton is somewhere in Sweden, right?

Wrong! But don’t worry, okyaali mu kilaasi because nowhere on their official website is the word ‘Sweden’ mentioned. (Meanwhile, see the bottom of the page for a photograph update taken today via Google Street View, in Gothenburg, Västra Götaland County – thanks Mattias!)

Instead, we are told that the Co-Founders of the company are actually Canadian, but before we get to these individuals, we read:

Shell & Bolton 2

No wonder they need an Administrative Assistant who must speak fluent English, I realised, but then read on and was starkly reminded of those poorly constructed ‘Made in China’ products and the scammer emails we get from internet-based princes and widows of filthy rich bankers seeking our bank account details.

See:

Oluzungu.001

And there is a whole lot more, but if you think that because many companies and even media houses don’t know how to spell words properly and punctuate sentences and paragraphs but are otherwise legitimate businesses, then this should be interesting:

Shell & Bolton 6

Ladies and gentlemen of the Ugandan black public who cannot apply for the position of Administrative Assistant at Shell And/& Bolton International, I present to you one of the co-founders of the company, in the very broken English of the authors of this website.

That paragraph in the picture above alone should be comforting to you that you are ineligible for employment with this company in the lowly position of Administrative Assistant to people who would allow the above to be made public.

Or even:

Shell & Bolton 7

The entire damn website reads as if it was developed and is managed by a team of former Kampala Mayors inspiring ringtones and jokes

The other co-founder is:

Shell & Bolton 9

Eventually, the story goes, James ‘A’ Vance’s construction company was sold in 1961 and continues to operate. THAT company website, you should note, appears to be perfectly genuine!

Here it is: http://vanceconstruction.ca/

Update: Thanks to @jmakumbi, here are the original pages that helped the authors of this website perpetrate this fraud:

Dr. James Ferris McClaren was a real person and a serious one as stated here: http://www.engineeringhistory.on.ca/index.php?id=22.

And Dr. James Alfred Vance was also real and serious as stated here: http://www.engineeringhistory.on.ca/index.php?id=23

But let’s not digress into other companies. Read through the rest of the website and the fantasy sounds even more plausible than Eutaw Construction Uganda did. The power of the internet is in overdrive!

And your stupidity has to be in overdrive by the time you get to the bottom of the home page and fail to raise questions over this:

Shell & Bolton 10No! Ignore the mis-spelt word, since we read newspapers, job applications and official reports here every day and life goes on unhampered. WHAT ARE “Shell and Bolton Members”? How can we tell these are the ones? Is the lady front right an Administrative Assistant at the company?!

Again, thanks to @jmakumbi, this photograph was actually taken from OUR OWN WEBSITE for the Commonwealth Local Governance Forum held last year at Speke Resort Munyonyo: http://www.clgc2013.org/index.cfm

Anyway, as I said before, my anger was already drained at the stupid way some bad Ugandans just absorb this nonsense and so I thank God that I failed to raise more over this matter before I got to the ‘Contact Us’ page of the website which…well, see for yourselves:

Shell & Bolton 12

The official contact address for this company that was started in Australia by people who grew up, lived, worked and are socially invested in Canada but have a head office in Sweden…is in Naguru, Uganda.

My fellow locals, especially blacks of Ugandan origin: CALM DOWN. This is nothing but a case of con artistry designed to rake in some quick bucks by some stupidly clever persons, and that’s not the only irony:

The reason they mentioned that “Must be a foreigner” is because they knew it would make their con more genuine.

Eh?

Yeah!

HOW MANY COMPANIES IN UGANDA RESERVE CERTAIN JOBS FOR FOREIGNERS EVEN THOUGH UGANDANS CAN DO THEM VERY WELL?

THOSE companies are too clever to let you see what they do when they practice their version of racism; employing certain people to certain jobs rather than indigenous, local, black Ugandans or even foreigners who are black.

Seriously, point me to the “expatriate” closest to you and give me thirty minutes to present you with a Ugandan who could do the very same job they are doing. Choose from amongst the Chief Executive Officers, Marketing Managers, Road Engineers, Financial Controllers and let’s play this game?

Show me one company in Uganda whose performance is globally acclaimed because of an expatriate rather than a Ugandan with equivalent education, skills, knowledge and capabilities, so that I concede. Which expatriate employee in any of these Ugandan towns is such a treasure that without him the company would have been enjoying only ‘low-calised’ success?

How many work permits issued by the Directorate of Citizenship and Immigration Control really fit the bill especially where a company has to provide “Proof of failure to employ a Ugandan”?

The fact is that all the people spitting fire and heckling about ‘racism’ would not have done so if the said damn Shell And/& Bolton International had quietly done their recruitment and taken on their ‘foreigners only’ Administrative Assistants, and nobody would have said a word while processing their massive payments in a currency influenced by their name NOT being Ugandan.

Most of you, as various columnists such as Samira Sawlani’s series illustrates, and our own life experiences show, would give Shell And/& Bolton International preferential treatment over Kasiwukira (may his soul Rest In Peace) just because of their name!

But now you are complaining about racism because somebody has said “I AM RACIST” yet if they had been racist without actually saying so we’d have been all kawa and continued playing the fool.

This nonsense has to come to an end soon, guys, and the mental laziness and slavery that allows it to happen should be stopped as soon as possible.

I wish I knew who first read and circled and circulated that offending advert because that person is A HERO! Why didn’t anyone at the advertising department of The New Vision spot this? Do they not read the finer details?

How many media houses in Uganda have stopped to actually look into this company and whether it is genuine? And have the authorities gone over yet to Plot 122 Katalima Road in Naguru to check on these agents of Co-Founders James F. McClaren and James A. Vance’s Shell And/& Bolton International Limited?
***
Meanwhile, let me just leave this here: http://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=5RfXTRGg0hg
***

KEEP CALM

&

STOP BEING

RACIST

***

For the Police and other criminal intelligence people interested, please note (information sent to me by a person abovenamed but whose identity I am not revealing right here right now):

The website was registered by (shafficmuza@yahoo.com) and has its servers in United States .

Domain Name: SHELLANDBOLTON.COM
Registry Domain ID: 1836322721_DOMAIN_COM-VRSN
Registrar WHOIS Server: whois.hostmonster.com
Registrar URL: http://www.hostmonster.com/
Updated Date: 2013-11-21T14:25:18Z
Creation Date: 2013-11-21T14:25:18Z
Registrar Registration Expiration Date: 2014-11-21T14:25:18Z
Registrar: FastDomain Inc.
Registrar IANA ID: 1154
Registrar Abuse Contact Email: support@hostmonster.com
Registrar Abuse Contact Phone: +1 801 765 9400
Reseller: HostMonster.Com
Domain Status: clientTransferProhibited
Registry Registrant ID:
Registrant Name: SHAFFIC MUZANGANDA
Registrant Organization: PRO MEDIA SYSTEMS (U) LTD
Registrant Street: HOTEL EQUATORIA MALL BOMBO RD
Registrant City: KAMPALA
Registrant State/Province:
Registrant Postal Code: -
Registrant Country: UGANDA
Registrant Phone: +256.775200442
Registrant Phone Ext:
Registrant Fax:
Registrant Fax Ext:
Registrant Email: SHAFFICMUZA@YAHOO.COM
Registry Admin ID:
Admin Name: SHAFFIC MUZANGANDA
Admin Organization: PRO MEDIA SYSTEMS (U) LTD
Admin Street: HOTEL EQUATORIA MALL BOMBO RD
Admin City: KAMPALA
Admin State/Province:
Admin Postal Code: -
Admin Country: UGANDA
Admin Phone: +256.775200442
Admin Phone Ext:
Admin Fax:
Admin Fax Ext:
Admin Email: SHAFFICMUZA@YAHOO.COM
Registry Tech ID:
Tech Name: HOSTMONSTER INC
Tech Organization: HOSTMONSTER.COM
Tech Street: 1958 SOUTH 950 EAST
Tech City: PROVO
Tech State/Province: UTAH
Tech Postal Code: 84606
Tech Country: UNITED STATES
Tech Phone: +1.8014948462
Tech Phone Ext:
Tech Fax: +1.8017651992
Tech Fax Ext:
Tech Email: SUPPORT@HOSTMONSTER.COM
Name Server: NS1.HOSTMONSTER.COM
Name Server: NS2.HOSTMONSTER.COM
DNSSEC: unsigned
URL of the ICANN WHOIS Data Problem Reporting System:http://wdprs.internic.net/
Last update of WHOIS database: 2013-11-21T14:25:18Z

***

And please applaud the speed of the “Commissioner Immigration”:

10648303_681923488589135_8447713512270985869_o

 

***

This is the photograph taken today via GoogleMaps Street View of the mbu ‘Head Office For':

Googlemaps Street View

please point me to the nearest stables so i buy a horse of my own

I HAVE had a long day and therefore only arrived at newspaper reading now, at about 2130hrs (though I am posting this an hour later due to the time it takes to type stuff out, upload pictures, recover from an apoplectic fit, and do a final spell check).

Skimming lightly over most stories just to get an idea of what’s going on in my country besides Amama Mbabazi’s every and any speculative move/decision/thought, I got to Page 55 of the newspaper and had to sit up and pay some attention.

Not because there was some complicated article by a major intellectual outlining some complicated concept that required all my faculties to be on the alert; but because the page contained ten photographs and the word (in caps) “CLASS”.

Beera mu kilaasi?” you ask?

No.

But now, let’s enter class a little bit:

The page in question is as below:

"Class"

“Class”

Not even two weeks ago we were here celebrating Uganda’s Independence Day, and I even wrote this ‘nonsense’.

Now, TODAY, in 2014 I am here looking at one and a half pages of a partly government owned newspaper in Independent Uganda dedicated to horse-riding (which is NOT the issue) and titling it ‘Class’?

#FirstWait.

How is horse-riding a sign of ‘Class’ in Uganda today? Forget all the news around the She Cranes netball team that is getting Uganda into the World Cup even though they couldn’t afford water just two months ago; and forget everything else about Sports in Uganda.

Today, out of the FOUR AND A HALF sports pages that The New Vision allocated to sports news, ONE AND A HALF have been given to horse-riding.

Now, let’s evaluate those ONE AND A HALF PAGES of horse-riding…eh, I think it’s called Equestrian…no. The story doesn’t use that word. I apologise for thinking so colonially. The story kicks off as follows:

“Eight year olds Kya McComb and Zoe Furness thrilled spectators with their riding skills at the inaugural Equator Cup at the weekend. Showing calmness and control beyond their years, Kya and Zoe led their ponies to victory in the pre-novice cartegory in Uganda’s first equestrian competition…” <— okay, they used the word ‘equestrian’ but their mis-spelling of category in the same paragraph has to be a disqualification that discounts it.

IS THIS 1924?

WTFInstead of writing something like “What the fuck is this shit?” as one of my colleagues (follow her) did a few weeks ago on a journalist’s (I don’t care about that apostrophe placement any more) forum last week, it might be appropriate to use a Ugandan swear word so: “Komanyoko!”

I don’t even know the names of the kids who dance in the globally acclaimed Sitya Loss video of Eddie Kenzo with its 5,000,000 YouTube views but I know the eight-year old McComb and Furness kids’ names for their “riding skills”? Did they ride their horses over the Marbug virus and kill it?

No.

Did their horse-riding attract massive amounts of foreign investment into Uganda?

No.

They rode ‘Bullrush’ and ‘Blackjack’ “in the two-day event at Flametree Stables” n Kijabijo, Gayaza (you BETTER pronounce that properly as you read it!).

And they were not alone, the elaborate story further lets us know.

They were with:

  • Sonja McLaughlan
  • Katie Bowser
  • Tariq Hudda
  • Ana Nikolaeva
  • Pippa Bird
  • Natalie McComb
  • John Kinyua
  • Robin Martin
  • Ellen Barnes
  • Lala Haidara
  • Tori Bagnall
  • Jackson Adriko (a Ugandan – phew!)
  • Robin Kasumba (another Uganda, I presume, and the only one who got into the photos)
  • and Georgia Taylor.

No – for real:

Scan 4

You may now be wondering how many Ugandans ride horses every day to warrant this sort of attention, but I suggest that you desist from the mental anguish this line of thought might lead to.

Don’t even ask yourself whether any British newspaper covered the Bikka soccer thing that happened in Britain last month – or was it even Bikka? Or soccer? Or in Britain?

And the mental debate over whether a British newspaper would cover Ekigwo if the Ugandan community there lost it to the extent that they staged one should also not arise unless you want to exhibit your lack of ‘class’.

In fact, I feel funny, now, italicising all the words that appear in vernacular. Maybe going forward I should just leave them as they are so that I stop deferring to this mindset.

Even as I am agonising over these horses being ridden in Kampala to the extent that my leading daily can allocate this space to the event, my very own President and those of Rwanda and Ghana are in London attending the Global Africa Investment Summit (TGAIS) and no British newspaper has allocated much space to THAT!

Yet the above-listed are exhibiting ‘class’ riding beasts whose very existence in our day to day lives here is more of a story book feature than a reality.

Again, we only celebrated Independence on October 9! Twelve days ago.

We ‘achieved’ same said Independence fifty two (52) years and twelve (12) days ago.

But our minds are still enslaved.

How many of these horses were born in Uganda? Do they eat Ugandan food? Are the jodhpurs <— I can’t even believe that I spelt that word without a single mistake the very first time round!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, as I was saying: Are the jodhpurs made in Uganda? Is any part of the outfits that these people are wearing as they exhibit ‘class’, made in Uganda? Were the barriers that they jumped also made in Uganda? Is Black Beauty a racist story subtly designed to make us feel inferior to horses or something?

The management at The New Vision would do well to read up on the colloquial definition of horse-trading because it is highly likely that a bit of it has taken place for the story to appear so prominently today…

And the entire sports department should be taken for some programme to rid them of this notion that engaging in an activity that dates back 4000 years in a land far, far away does NOT automatically translate into exhibiting ‘class’.

But even as that happens, let’s stop being so stupid as to just allow that we are so insignificant that our lives can go by accordingly as we talk about Oscar de la Renta and Oscar Pistorious and even these bloody horses ridden by …okay: Adriko and Kasumba.

And I hope that the advertising revenue from this event goes in some way towards getting the She Cranes some additional sponsorship to the World Cup.

go straight to the top to get services fixed

ONE morning this week, a friend of mine texted us a call for help; his internet connectivity was faulty and he had failed to get a response from the provider’s Customer Care department, so he needed the contact of “someone” in the company “to help”.

We fell upon him like a tonne of bricks; questioning why he was so accommodating of a service from a corporate entity he was presumably paying money to yet he often rants angrily when some government service or another does not meet his approval (even though he does pay taxes for it).

Some people, however, responded giving him names and numbers of people to contact within the organisation “to help” him.

Before he could make the phone calls for assistance, we told him he was subsidising mediocrity, abdicating his customer rights, and most importantly, wasting our own mobile internet packages because we were using WhatsApp.

Eventually, he emerged with a scathing blog post that the people at Orange Telecom will not be happy about for a while.

But the people who thought nothing of sharing contacts of “helpful” people made me stop to think – and my thoughts rested with three people: two of my brothers, and President Yoweri Museveni.

The two Kaheru boys both worked at different telecommunication companies (telecoms), in different departments, but were always fielding phone calls from people seeking their help in resolving or explaining or forwarding or generally helping with some cellphone-related problem or the other. Even after they had left employment with the telecoms, the phone calls and queries continued – for anything, some times without the caller having tried the official channels first.

But many of these callers would get to these two boys after having faced massive frustration with the official channels – and it was in very few cases that they asked for the number of the Chief Executive of the telecom, yet I have always felt that if you need intervention when things aren’t working properly then THAT’S who you should call – the ‘boss’.

And that’s where the President came into mind; you may have noticed that in recent months the number of ordinary people struggling to break through his security rings at public rallies has increased somewhat. And as he has always done, he shouts his security detail down and has these people listened to only for them to reveal that they have a claim that has met with frustration in the lower orders of the government.

And he has to give an ear because at the end of the day he is the one most supremely accountable to them, one and all, and needs to ensure that the government doesn’t lose even a single supporter, or the Party a single voter.

And even if it’s not the perfect solution to this problem, I believe it works quite well in getting things done and issues handled.

So people like my frustrated telecom customer friend should adopt the methods of those frustrated widows and orphans who cut through highly trained heavily armed security personnel to get to the top.

After absorbing the effective frustration of these corporate customer care systems, instead of seeking mid-level contacts a la the Kaheru boys et al to “help”, go straight to the Chief Executive for intervention; after all, he or she is the person most accountable and needs to ensure that the company doesn’t lose even a single customer.

For me, personally, the escalation to CEO level is always one step above my first official interaction with the Customer Care people; because the CEO is just an employee of the company. The CEO is senior-most, highest paid employee, with the biggest perks, and therefore the one with the most to lose.

I don’t allow them to be ‘bosses’ who are unreachable – and as the President shows when he barks at his security personnel as they try to do their job and stop those widows and orphans from cutting through, WE are their bosses.

the day stephen bought some new car insurance

Dedicating this morning to the protagonists in a series of actions that constituted the following experience recounted to me last week, and that I hope you one day go through first hand, if you have not already encountered people of this nature.

Stephen (not real name unless you actually know the guy – in which case, feel free to shell him to the high heavens) is the lazy type of gainfully employed Ugandan who will not do anything close to manual or menial provided there is a chap nearby who values a Ushs500 coin or two.

Last week on about Thursday he renewed his third party insurance by way of a loose boda-boda bound courier, and realised as he got to his home later in the night that the sticker had not been applied to the relevant part of his vehicle windscreen.

He was too lazy, as mentioned above, to reach across to the co-driver’s seat for the insurance tag and accompanying adhesive sticker, un-peel both and apply them against the glass.

The work involved would have taken almost as long as reading the above paragraph both times you did.

Instead, he went to bed, and the problem was still present when he returned to the car the next morning. By convenience, the askari was hovering nearby and ready to receive instructions to place the insurance sticker where it should be.

“Take off the old one first, then put this one there,” Stephen told him, handing over a couple of thousand shillings for the job, before going back in to do something less menial for a few minutes and generally not be in the presence of such work being done at his vehicle.

He eventually drove to the office and just as he was tossing the keys to the fellow who washes it every morning, he noticed something amiss with the newly-placed insurance sticker.

He couldn’t believe that the askari fellow had done the job so wrong, and turned to the car-washing chap to ask, “Do you see what’s wrong with that insurance sticker?”

“Yes, sir,” responded the car-washing guy, chuckling a bit at the foolishness of whoever had placed it, and quite certain that this was going to result in a revenue earning task for him.

The sticker had been placed on the windshield upside down. The words were facing downwards instead of upwards. The logo of the insurance company, which was quite recognisable even if one were incapable of making out the words by way of reading, was also upside down.

This proved both that the askari was definitely not a scholar who had fallen on hard times and resorted to that lowly occupation, and that he was not a man of simple logic. The wretched chap had probably stood by the side of the car at such an angle that he was holding the sticker upright by the time he approached the vehicle windscreen, but found himself having to turn his arm downwards in order to place it in the required spot.

Stephen shook his head in both wonder and dismay, then issued instructions to the car washing guy to fix it. And he left to get some white collar work done within the comfort of his office, surrounded by computers, internet access, coffee and biscuits and people far more sensible.

Several hours later, responding to a meeting alert about a lunch meeting at a trendy nearby cafe, he put his computer to sleep, made for his clean vehicle and was just about to set off when he noticed something else amiss.

He shot out of the car in a panic and went closer to inspect it, and couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

The car washing guy had ‘fixed it’ by pasting the insurance sticker onto the front of the windscreen, with the back of the sticker facing up top; so that if a traffic officer needed to read the sticker, he would have to push his head into the car to see the details thereon.

Stephen was flummoxed. He could not understand how the car washing guy had never noticed in all these years that the stickers are placed under the windscreen with the details facing outwards. He also could not work out why the guy had not noticed that this was the case with the other, older car insurance sticker that was still in place.

And by the way, hadn’t he told the askari to first remove the old sticker and then replace it with the new one?!!!

Ugandans, re-arrange Ebola to spell opportunity

Please bear with the ebolised focus; this disease is like that. It takes over your mind, your every waking thought, and you eventually succumb.

But before it kills us all, you guys need to get up and smell the handwash detergents. Ebola can be spelt O.P.P.O.R.T.U.N.I.T.Y.!

Seriously, guys, stop whining and dying and pay a little bit of attention here because there is serious money to be made doing the following:

1. For Ugandans, start with the fact that we kicked Ebola soundly out of the country many years ago and proved that we are the most bad-ass at kicking Ebola’s ass (you need to use Americanisms like that because the main target market for what we are about to start selling will be the Americans). Get the entire world talking about how seriously we handled the disease the first-time round so that the world looks at us with a seriously newfound respect as they try to handle the disease and realise that it is actually harder than HIV/AIDS by FAR! If we can spin that story carefully with the Kony one, we could become the targets of all manner of efforts ranging from being asked to identify someone faster than Usain Bolt, to providing a supply of X-Men and Women.

But this is NOT the real opportunity, it’s just a foundation.

2. Ugandans, Start selling soap and hand sanitiser. I mean, World, Start buying Ugandan soap and hand sanitiser. It works best!

We need to get the world to understand that we didn’t get rid of Ebola by using dainty hand sanitisers in little teeny weeny bottles ensconced within feminine clasps and handbags, or using silly little bits of hand washing soap a la miserly hotel bathrooms. We used Sabuuni!

We used hardcore, proper, germ and virus decimating Ugandan made Sabuuni. It doesn’t smell unnecessarily sweet or fragrant; it doesn’t disintegrate for days and days even if you forget it in the basin when you delay to wash clothes for a little while; if it goes into the drain then the entire neighbourhood complains about a certain smell due to the blockage to the soak pit.

Sabuuni! The hardest soap ever made, only available in Uganda. If the rest of the world does not begin importing Ugandan made soap then they should import HazMat suits against Ebola and coffins.

All these so-called ‘lapses in protocols’ while handling ebola are just a result of an ill-advised reliance on soaps NOT made in Uganda.

Be like us, the people who beat ebola hands down back in the day when it was fresh and unknown and at its deadliest since there was so little research done into the damn disease and so little was known about it.

Use our Sabuuni. Or our JIK hand sanitiser solution, in canisters used from State House right up to my own home. In fact, dispatch it to the Ugandan candidates in the Big Brother House right now (mpozi who are they?)

3. Make videos about how to handle Ebola: Park all those Ugandan music videos I hear Sitya Loss ndi Boss and Panadol…keep the names and replace them with ‘Sitya Ebola ndi Boss’ done by the same Eddie Kenzo or Chameleone/Bobi Wine/Bebe Cool/Isaiah Katumwa/Maurice Kirya/Juliana Kanyomozi/The Afrigo Band/Rema/etc. In fact, let’s do a Ugandan All Stars Ebola song the way those other guys did We Are The World – call it We Beat Ebola! and fill it with the same catchy, dancy, rompy Ugandan beats that the world loves so much.

Do that and we will beat Naija music hands down. We won’t have Nollywood renamed Ebolaville because that is just scary, but if we multiply the popularity of Nollywood with the notoriety of Ebola and turn it into prosperity, then China will probably create a virus of their own called Ebolq just to get in on the action!

4.  Why are we not all international consultants on Ebola eradication? How are you a Ugandan sitting in your home or office just reading about this on the internet or watching CNN reports instead of being consulted, yet even random characters in the world of science, like Chris Brown, are making headlines talking about Ebola even though the most he has ever had is that disease that makes men slap their spouses black and blue?

Be serious!

Any one of you can release a book titled, ‘I Survived Ebola’ or a documentary about ‘How To Wash Ebola Out Of Your Life’ and this week you will be guaranteed more sales than that woman’s Anaconda video.

5. There are also hidden opportunities such as one chap posted onto Facebook, when he said he had walked to the end of a long supermarket queue in the United States, then taken a phone call in Luganda only for the entire supermarket to clear out on hearing the language because they realised he “was African” and therefore likely to be carrying the disease.

#Eish! That opportunity means you can open up an entire retail shopping business provided you have a white guy to help you with deliveries; or, on the dark side, you could rob banks by simply standing akimbo in the banking hall and shouting out stuff in your local vernacular while looking African – nobody will shoot, they will just flee till someone finds HazMat suits, by which time you will have emptied the vaults.

What you do, though, is don’t say “Gunigugu” – they’ve worked that one out already thanks to Eddie Murphy being so popular for so long.

I’ve told you – Ebola can be spelt O.P.P.O.R.T.U.N.I.T.Y.